1. What is your family's total combined income per month? (Tithes will be calculated from this and percentages will be set according to how honest you are here. DO NOT FORGET about pensions, welfare receipts, gifts, found items, stock windfalls, inheritances, bank interest and profits from garage sales.) $0-$100 $101-$900 $901-$1500 $1501-$2500 $2501-$4000 $4001-$6000 $6001-$7000 $7000 and up

2. How did you find out about your deity? Newspaper Bible Torah Koran Television Book of Mormon Divine Inspiration Dead Sea Scrolls My Mama Tol' Me Near Death Experience Near Life Experience National Public Radio Tabloid Burning Shrubbery Other Deity Voices In Your Head Can't Remember None Of The Above

3. Which model deity did you acquire? Jehovah Jesus Krishna Father, Son & Holy Ghost Zeus and entourage Odin and entourage Allah Satan Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer) God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin) Halle-Bopp Other Model None of the above, I was taken in by a false god

4. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? Yes No

5. If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply: Not eternal Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos Not omniscient Not omnipotent Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations) Permits sex outside of marriage Prohibits sex outside of marriage Makes mistakes Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people Looks after life other than that on Earth When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched Requires burnt offerings Requires virgin sacrifices Requires quality of life sacrifices (poverty vows) Unable to prevent terrorist attacks

6. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply:
Indoctrinated by parents
Needed a reason to live
Indoctrinated by society
Needed focus in whom to despise
Needed focus in whom to love
Imaginary friend grew up
Hate to think for myself
Wanted to meet girls/boys in church
Fear of death
Wanted to piss off parents
Wanted to please parents
Needed a day away from school or work
Desperate need for certainty
Like organ music
Need to feel morally superior
Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
Thought there had to be something other than Jerry Falwell
@#&% was falling out of the sky
My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
Voices in my head again
Fear of being scapegoated
Cowardice
Needed excuse to beat spouse
I was bored
Wanted to be right for once

7. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply:
Myself Baal The Almighty Dollar Left Wing Liberalism The Radical Right Amon Ra Beelzebub Bill Gates Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur The Great Spirit The Great Pumpkin The Sun The Moon The Force Cindy Crawford Barbra Streisand Elvis A burning shrub Psychiatry Your Mother Your Father Your Uncle Chester Other None of the Above

8. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply:
Tarot
Lottery
Astrology
Television
Fortune cookies
Psychic Friends Network
Dianetics
Palmistry
Playboy and/or Playgirl
Self-help books
Biorhythms
Alcohol
Marijuana
Ecstasy
Bill Clinton
George Bush Sr.
George W. Bush
Al Gore
Tea Leaves
Landmark Education
Amway
Mantras
Crystals
Pyramids
A Righteous Dump
Other

9. God reputedly employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer? Blind Faith More Divine Intervention Current level of Divine Intervention is just right Less Divine Intervention A Lot Less Divine Intervention It's In God's Hands Don't Know

10. God also reputedly attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 your opinion of the handling of the following (1 = unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):
Disasters:
1 2 3 4 5 Flood
1 2 3 4 5 Famine
1 2 3 4 5 Earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 War & holocausts
1 2 3 4 5 Pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 Plague
1 2 3 4 5 Spam
1 2 3 4 5 AOL

Miracles:
1 2 3 4 5 Rescues
1 2 3 4 5 Spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 Stars hovering over tiny towns & previously unknown hamlets
1 2 3 4 5 Crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 Water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 Walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 Coincidence of any sort
1 2 3 4 5 Getting any sex whatsoever
1 2 3 4 5 Gay choirboys

11. From time to time God reputedly makes available the names and addresses of Her/His/Its followers and devotees to selected reputedly divine personages who provide quality services and perform intercessions in His behalf. Are you interested in a compilation of listed offerings? Yes, please deluge me with zealots for the benefit of my mortal soul No, I do not wish to be inundated by zealots clamouring for my approval and subservient cooperation